Welll Eh.... Heh. Yea so yea things haven't been going too well. Mostly I've been worried about family problems. Then I needed a vacation from myself. I don't know how that works it just some how did <.<;. For starters, from last years July my dad was having serious medical problems which didn't end until around May. While that was going on I was trying to make a happy event of my mom's 60th birthday cause she was really dreading it so much I was like. "Mom it's not a bad thing, really it isn't T_T." I got into belly dance which I must say has inspired some drawings. I've just been having trouble finishing them (Perfectionist syndrome.) Then I went to the beach with some friends, and of course the school year started up again. I had little to no time for art, and I actually became depressed because of it. (Pathetic....)

Rant ahead be for warned.

So dad problems: Dad had his seventh (Yes 7th) Back surgery, which they say is supposed to be his last. Yay. Though they wanted to try these new kind of stitches with the surgical wound. The stitches that are meant to dissolve into the skin once the skin has healed. That's where it started our slippery slope. First it was the pneumonia, with a dash of staff from the stitches. The staff went away alright, but the pneumonia wouldn't go away! I hate doctors for this reason, when they have a patient that obviously has a weakened immune system and is not taking pneumonia seriously, that man needs to be hit. It gets bad enough a couple times that my dad has to go back and forth to the hospital. While on one of the trips, one of the nurses breaks my dad's sleep apnea machine. Yes she broke the machine, but refused to let my dad put it back together. She broke the power cord trying to get it back together again. The real doosey is in winter, dad has a hernia from everything that's been going on. So whatever that's not horrific major surgery like heart surgery so we're not too worried. We should have been... The mesh that was dipped, again DIPPED in anti-bionics was what infected him. Because no one observed him we don't have legal ground to be like, "That bastard doctor dropped it on the ground and put it in anyway." Or anything else that would have helped us in that sense. So dad has Cellulitous and is gooey from the inside out. Red all over his stomach and swollen where no man should be swollen. They take the mesh out and tend to it and Oh wait! He has pneumonia AGAIN.... *Head desk so hard.*

In the end they finally got it right, all our friends are like, "Sue damn it!" sadly I found out we didn't have any legal ground by lack of evidence. Lack of evidence in the sense of whom do we sue? In the end we're all just grateful that dad's still around. I was actually more amused than hurt when my mom forgot my birthday. I told her not to worry about it we're all worried more about dad than my birthday. I just wanted to have her call my brother in Oregon and tell him happy birthday when it would be mine and laugh so hard, and then tell her I love her. Though sadly to my own amusement my brother Jason stopped her. See the reason I find it funny is that My brother in Oregon his birthday is on the 15th, mines on the 7th. I probably would have just told her, "I am more than happy to celebrate my birthday one Jame's birthday this year.

Mom's 60th birthday was a successful disaster, but that's my own opinion. I went out and planned this birthday for her, invited people everything was going PERFECTLY! Then.... after two hours of hanging out everyone has to leave. Mom loved it, but I was like, "Bah-bah-bah-.... *Drop head.* damnit...." I just finished icing the cake with a flowery design. Dropped my dad off at home cause of his pain levels, come back and I hear "We need to sing happy birthday so people can get to where they need to go." I wanted to just go in my depresso corner. I had games planned, gift opening lots of fun and they needed to be places. Teachers during summer vacation need to be WHERE?! On a saturday no doubt. Anywho I didn't worry too much about it because well it turned out for the best.

Virginia beach... Not even going there.

Beginning of a new year of school. Hello four year olds ! I think I started this year off kind of depressed to begin with. Though that has more to do with how the year before ended. My lead teacher assumed me a fully trained assistant, she had no idea that it was my first year as an assistant with NO training. Not being properly trained for this kind of job can be slightly frustrating, which I became at times. The teacher would not correct me when I would do something that was going a bit too far. Nagging them about chewing with their mouth closed and to not stuff ridiculous amounts of food into their mouth, as well as to not sudden ask for milk when I put it down to pass out water for other students. I have a loud voice, I can sound strict, I get it from my mother. I know these things and work consciously to not do it, that also means I slip. I asked at christmas time if I was doing anything wrong, the nagging at lunch time was mostly it. She said it was like I was picking at them, which after training () I see I was doing. Though at the end of the year it basically said, "You gave me an untrained assistant when you told me you were giving me a trained assistant." This is the message that my boss gives me. "You are too verbally abusive to the children and this is why your lead teacher doesn't want to work with you anymore, it's just not safe for the kids." She of course reassured me as I was sobbing in her office that it wasn't that bad, she wouldn't fire me if I got training. Yea my summer was filled with suicidal thoughts because I felt like I'd done serious damage to little four year olds. I was not a stable person this summer, especially during the va beach trip. I know that my friend jokes about 'saving me from jumping off the deck' from our room. Still the thought had crossed my mind, while holding the vodka raspberry bottle. I screwed up kids lives, I couldn't help my father, I couldn't properly put together a birthday party for my own mother, and several complained the entire time about how they could have 'done it better.' Yea I was thinking these things, and the constant thought. "Everyone would be better off anyway. I annoy them, an inconvenient fat cow." Wah, wah wah. Same old story of 'wow that's pathetic.' Still I was kind of poked at until I walked back inside.

Though things are looking up. I'm with a lead teacher that doesn't let anything slip. You mess up she lets you know right away. If she needs help, anything she lets you know. Dad's doing better, and looking to try hernia surgery again with out the whole mesh stuff. I'm drawing again, and I'm going to get back on Paul McKenna's program to lose what ever I have left. I've lost 75 ibs lets lose the last 30-50 pounds.